Anniversary Waltz versus Belizean Alarm Call.   1 comment

It is 25 years ago on 25th June since I was raped at gunpoint in Belize.

TWENTY FIVE years, i’m shouting.  TWENTY FIVE YEARS……..I will survive.

Almost since it happened I have referred to it as the Belizean Alarm Call…..because they woke us from our sleep, shouting and yielding shotguns.

I wonder where they are now? Those men who stole my body, probably other women’s bodies too.  Are they sleeping soundly? Are they guilt free? My best guess is that they are dead and buried, at times my imagination has done everything possible to annihilate them, you really don’t want to know the nasty video games that go on in my head, lets just say it would break all censorship laws on violence.

 

Don’t know how I am going to celebrate yet.  I am going to celebrate. BIG TIME.

 

 

Posted May 14, 2014 by raperelatedptsdsurvivor in Uncategorized

i was a misogynist   Leave a comment

i was a misogynist.

Posted September 17, 2013 by raperelatedptsdsurvivor in Uncategorized

Progressing   1 comment

It has been several weeks now since I restarted counselling.  It is exhausting.

Funnily enough it is not the rape itself that has consumed me.  What is coming out in spades is my experience of sexual abuse within my family as a child.  An older sibling, the behaviour of older siblings.  Finklehor, the world authority on childhood sexual abuse in the family,  has focussed on the dangers of sibling abuse in his recent work.

Its going to be a while before I can blog about this stuff.  I’m afraid that my blogging has been interrupted by life.  I will be be back soon.

Posted September 13, 2013 by raperelatedptsdsurvivor in Uncategorized

what I am after, above all, is expression   Leave a comment

Posted September 3, 2013 by raperelatedptsdsurvivor in Uncategorized

Going back….   Leave a comment

The impact of my rape on my child has become apparent.

I am doing the only thing I can do and that is get more counselling for myself. 

For the first time today I heard a RC counsellor talking about breathing, relaxation, filtering triggers…I am sure others have talked to me about this stuff but i didn’t hear them.  Its only now that I can see the effect on my now adult child that my ears are pinned back.

When self love is in short supply. Love of another can spur us into action.

Posted July 17, 2013 by raperelatedptsdsurvivor in Uncategorized

The Irish Abortion debate:   Leave a comment

Raised a Catholic, there was something I was absolutely clear about, had I become pregnant as a result of the rape I would have had an abortion.

Posted July 9, 2013 by raperelatedptsdsurvivor in Uncategorized

Anger   Leave a comment

Since the rape ANGER has been a huge problem.

All those trite psychological advisors who talk about a short temper being related to perfectionism don’t even begin to explain the anger reaction to rape.

My personality type is easy going, I don;t like to make a fuss about things, i accept things, i avoid things, especially confrontation.

Not any more.  I am fermenting with anger.  I despise bullies. I hate being emotionally manipulated. I hate people who ride roughshod over my peace in life.  I now react strongly when people piss me off.  But yes I do go off the deep end.  So I have to rein it in.

The worst part is the damage to my personal relationships. It means that I am often isolated, hence the need to blog.

I react strongly to gossipy, high handed, snobbish, smug people  – and bossy aggressive people, bring it on.  I am your woman.

So if there is ever anything positive about being raped, then for me this is it, I no longer suffer fools at all.

Posted July 9, 2013 by raperelatedptsdsurvivor in Uncategorized