Archive for the ‘anger’ Category

How it feels blogging on rr-ptsd   2 comments

It feels really scary blogging on this.  I have had disasters on the internet before now, like about 10 years after it happened I entered a google group discussion on travel in the area where I had been raped.  I had forgotten all about the one post I had made there.  Last year I googled my own name and was so dismayed to find that a search engine had picked up on my post and publicised by post to anyone who googled my name.  I contacted google groups and asked for it to be removed but they said only the poster could remove it, that would be me then, but I no longer have the email account I used, so I am stuck with it!!!!

Anonymity is crucial when it comes to rape.  We are forced into hiding, and sometimes that makes me very angry.  People who are kidnapped, held at gunpoint, or who go through any kind of trauma can be vocal about it….rape survivors can’t.

You may say ‘why not?’, in which case I can only assume you are not a survivor! Or you are a very bold and brave individual….the kind of person I would like to be.  We do need to speak out about our experiences, hiding rape protects the abusers the rapists. Us rapees (yes we do have a noun), have to protect ourselves while trying to live with frightening memories inside our own heads.

No good saying it isn’t fair, it just is, for the moment.  We are gathering momentum through the internet and other fora……..we will be heard.

Its heartening that children who have been sexually abused can talk about their experiences as adults now, people are doing it more and more.  I even noticed on chat shows that various artists will allude to such childhood experiences.  You see nobody blames a child.  Sexual abuse that happens to children is clearly not their fault.

As a female the blame factor is central.  People will judge what you did to invite the rape!  People I care deeply about have said some dreadful things, accidentally.  Things like, ‘if i was travelling I would plan it really carefully’ – like if you are raped on holiday it was because you failed to plan.

What most people don’t want to accept is that rape can happen anytime anywhere to anyone, male or female. Adult or child.

Kings Cross Women’s Centre in London worked closely with women in prostitution, women working in this industry are highly likely to be disbelieved…….like rape is only something that happens to ‘respectable’ women, if you are a sex worker it is viewed as one of the hazards of the job, like prison is to robbers!

Its hard not to get really angry about societal views of rape.  its hard not to get angry that we are silenced as survivors.  Had my experience not involved rape I could have dined out on my story of kidnap at gunpoint by bandits.  How I got away, what they did or what they said.  With rape I have had to mull it over like a loop playing in my head on my own or with a therapist.

Blogging is perfect for a survivor.  No one can say anything directly to you to hurt you or distance themself from you. You know that it will be other survivors who are most likely to be reading your posts……..if anyone at all. But still you are getting it out there, out of your head.

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